As I Remember You Again Today…

I Owe My Existence To You.

If I am the way the world sees me today is because of the person you wanted me to be seen as. I remember each time in my rough days, how you taught me while driving me to my accountancy classes that no matter what happens I should always learn to be independent. Independent of thoughts, of will, of physical and financial dependence so that I can keep my head raised at all times.

“So what if you are a girl? That should never be a hindrance to you becoming what you should become.” So loud and deep were these words that they have brought me where I am, who I am and still continue to stir me even till date.

You taught me never to compromise on my dreams and desires warning that they could lead to mismanaged days of frustration and in all these years of growing up I have realized every bit you mentioned. I miss calling ‘Papa’, that smile of yours, that hug of warmth, driving me to school or taking me to the market in your scooter, your love for Chinese food, hiding away my breakfast  if I ever had a poached egg on the plate, saving me from the trauma during exams at school, your ‘hello’ over our phone calls while I was in college, the well concealed fear of your college attending daughter having a boyfriend, the smirk you used to give when I scolded you as if you were my kid and so many tiny little things that I have gathered, bit by bit, in my 30 years.

Each and every day till now from the time you left, there hasn’t been a single day I haven’t missed your presence.So much has changed since you have been gone in this way. I keep wondering how you might have felt seeing me working, being an independent woman, getting married to a wonderful man whom I believe your loving spirit had chosen for me. How nice it would have been to see you along with mother, as I have grown over these years trying to become someone that you both wished for me.

May be I dint have the chance to cry over your absence since the day you left as you left Ma for me. I hope you know that now she means the world to me because I relate to the pain of the absence of a companion, the pain that love brings in, hand-in-hand. She now is not only my mother but like my own child and I forget to cry when I see her dealing with the unspoken pain for you and trust me our society makes it even worse for a woman.

Its 4th July, a day that your family can never forget. Your teachings leave me perplexed as to whether I should grieve on this day or continue it like a normal one knowing that you must be closely watching me from somewhere and I should keep the spirit of life alive.

I hope that as you transformed into a soul you could peep in my heart and see that as your daughter, I could never have asked for a father more fantastic as you. I feel humbly proud when people tell me of my resemblances with you.And Let me tell you that I will ensure that you keep smiling at me from wherever you are and as whoever you reborn as, make you proud whenever I can, value all that you taught me, be the daughter you wanted me to be like and take care of your wife not like my mother but like my own child.

I will be strong, I will be self sufficient and independent and will continue to grow be a ‘true woman’. Promise me that you will not forget coming in my dreams where I could see and hear you because looking at old photographs just scares the hell out of me as it makes me realize you more like a memory that are of my irrecoverable distant days.

I have and will keep loving you forever Papa not just today or on Father’s Day, Birthday or your Anniversary but till the day I become old and my memories leave me desolated.

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