I wish I could ‘Re-Feel’

Pic Courtesy : indiacurrents.com

Today I was just wondering as I was sitting by myself, as to how incompetent we are to feel,exactly the way we felt on some of the most precious moments of our life, or say re-feel those moments of euphoria.

Like for example, the day I topped in school or successfully graduated with my degree in design, I remember that I was extremely happy. Happy for myself and extremely overjoyed to see the pride that my parents were experiencing then. But why can’t I re-feel those exact feelings today. Such ‘first time’ or only ‘one-time’ events are special to all of us, then why is it so that we can feel them only once and for the rest, all that we are capable of doing in the future is to smile about it, or feel touched and shed a couple of tears and remind ourselves about how life moves on and in some cases even refuel us with motivation to continue doing better in our upcoming life events.

Why is it that after we grow up and move ahead in life, things relating to our childhood memories, be it the innumerable acts of a parent’s love and kindness, the touch of our granny’s soft hands, the little joys that we had been experiencing,now ages ago, seem to bring tears of nostalgia and a realization that we have traveled so far  with love and also from love.

The elation of a first kiss, that seventh heaven feeling of knowing that yes,” this is my soul mate” can never be felt again in exactly the same way how we felt it the very first time. The excitement and the looking forwardness to a happy marriage ceremony, like the ones we have been reading all through the school days in colorful fairy tales, all fade away so silently that we hardly come to know when it sneaked out under our nose. And once it does, we try remembering hard, to feel exactly how it did feel for the very first time and no matter what, that feeling of happiness or ecstasy never hits back again.

I have tried imagining a lot of such incidents, many a times recollecting every scene like a perfect memory but somehow I miss to re-feel those incidents like when they happened in real. All that I am left with is feeling comparatively merrier and a smile that runs across my face.

On the contrary, to incidents that were really upsetting or mournful, recollecting them has rarely been a great deal. Not only do I get connected to it faster but also affected rather re-affected much sooner than I can imagine. I can cry, at times with tears or at times even without them, but I can almost relive those moments. The put me low, reverse my morale down and leaves me incapable of  any productive outcome. But physical pains, like an injury, a deep cut or a bad wound that would have put me through a toll of a time are also not remembered any more, apart from the memory that the experience was very painful, just as mere acknowledgment so as to say.

So what is it actually, which is why we are not able or incapable to revisit and re-feel the happy memories and the first time experiences exactly the same way when they actually occurred? Physical pain feelings are forgotten apart from the token of acknowledgement that we are left behind with. Well that in a way it is a bliss or else we would have been in a state of partial or total trauma for sure. But what about the distress, doleful and grieving moments? Are we more connected to them than the happy ones? Do they occur more than the happy ones? Are we more susceptible to sorrow and discontent that we can so easily relate to them?

Or may be it is because we or our brain-zone were manufactured in a way that we always remain open to merriment and jubilation such that there would be a continuity of events, of fill and re-fill and no re-feel, allowing us to venture, explore and accept the other ‘first times’ but even here, just for once. That’s just like having only one cheat day in a regime of a strictly controlled diet.

Re-visiting emotional pains and traumas are easier than the happy ones to make us aware of where our weaknesses resides, to empathize another distressed soul, to spot the potholes so that we watch out where we are walking, to know who means to us more; the ones who brings smiles to us or the ones responsible for the tears and likewise how we ultimately choose to retain choose to contently let go.

After all, end of the day, when we hit our pillows or see the horizon for just that one last time all we would want is a heart of sunny memories instead of the tears of a morbid heart.

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