The Illusion of Control

I wish I could control so many things around me, make so many days look better and happier. The ones that are gone and the ones that may seem to have a chance of turning bad.

But I am just a human and even if I want to, with all the cosmic power at my disposal, the one thing I can’t control is to always make things right and keep most, if not everyone who matters to me, pleased with me at all times.

Let me tell you, I have tried this not for a while but for a time that I can’t keep a track of myself. I have no clue if this is a part of my nature that I inherited by genes, by culture, by zodiac or as a side effect of being generally sincere. I try my level best, to be my best at my own standards in whatever I do or wherever I am and when the outcomes are not as desirous, they become purely frustrating.  Oh! I have so many examples of myself dealing with those.  And of the many things, the most current one is having to train my dog.

Of course, I am a crazy dog-loving person and rescue is definitely my favourite breed, which is why we adopted our 8th foster, finally! But with the expectation to get my mutt more structured and control his impulses in the face of distraction, I have realised that I have simply beaten up myself too hard.

It’s been more than 3 years and many of-and-on jobs that I gave myself into, given the fact that we have been moving around cities and countries, at least once on an annual basis. But I haven’t taken that as a ‘NO’ for an answer as yet. I am still desperate to set my foot back on the career front, with my resume decked in all possible good looking formats that I could think of, but probably they are still wandering in the marketplace with no news to delight me till date. Again, there is very little that I can control here, besides never wanting to give up the idea, that I still have my chance and a good one, somewhere in store for me.

In my urge to set the above, in the right place and in the decor of my life, I have also put myself in the predicament of concern for others, wanting to set things smooth, sorted and settling everyday scuffles, uplifting, motivating and pushing close ones, stuck at crossroads. While clearly, this is a good motive, what isn’t, is doing this at the cost of one’s own emotional well-being. Putting it straight, this is my lesson hard learnt.

In the event of wanting to fix things – my dog’s behaviour (due to his rough past ) seeing my self as gainfully employed, projecting the image of a well-bonded and perky friend-family life, in hard-core reality, this has drained me of the sense of “whom I am”, “what I want” and “what makes me happy?”

And so every now and then, I don’t hesitate when I am tempted to repeat in my head, the wise words of my husband, that “letting go”, is one of the wisest and peaceful things to do.

when i learnt to let go

Wanting to have control and pleasing others is such an addiction, that even with all the good intention behind it, the outcome might not be always as expected. This is because we all are humans, we all have an anticipation that can be sky-rocketing and we all are somewhere in the pursuit of being wanted, loved and be able to gather a bit of attention. We all fear rejection and loosing people who mean to us.

” Don’t be afraid of loosing people. Be afraid of loosing yourslef trying to please everyone around you.”

There should be no denial in understanding that it is nearly impossible to find one person, that stands on the pedestal of a role model, unanimously for the whole world because each one of us has had their own fulfilled and unfulfilled expectation from that ‘role model’.

In this vicious cycle of being wanted, loved and to gain a bit of attention, we often unconsciously tend to put others and their needs before us. While this is important as a gesture, as a friend and a family member, this isn’t important as a part of our routine identity.

What I am still learning now after all this is, it is absolutely okay and nothing selfish to look at yourself and your priorities most of the times, if not all the times. It is alright and normal to want emotional peace and the need to admit to ourselves that no matter how hard we try or how noble our motives are, it is beyond our mortal capacity to please everyone and every situation we are in and most importantly, it is also okay to walk out of something or someone’s life if you feel you don’t belong in it anymore.

Feature Image: David Marcu


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