In a quick flashback

The calendar is on the 27th December 2016, today and I was in simply in no mood to work on my designs, rather just chose to sit in my cozy living room that is comparatively larger when I am alone in our apartment. And yes, I had one of my most adorable foster dog, Cupcake chilling out with her head on my lap and with all the happy hormones oozing out in both our systems, I couldn’t help drifting into time lapse.

Each year around this time, it is like customary when we say and hear people say, “how quickly has the year passed!” and much like a ritual its one of those prime topic time to discuss about new year resolutions, at pretty much all gatherings. I had one today this very afternoon during lunch with my husband, just that I did not have much to participate in it.

So, in return I asked him, “What are your new year resolutions?”

“Nothing much”, he said with a pretty decent list that followed thereafter. That is one of his modest ways of expressing his plans and me being pretty dumbfounded.

I really din’t want to think about any resolutions, but just be my better version each day and just take it as it comes. I do definitely want a career break and some cash inflow , be more focused, positive, a more matured version of being in my 30’s, read the books that I eventually hoard from the library and do more animal rescue stuffs. Phew! It seems I got at least something sorted by the year end.

In this whole year, rather starting from the middle of 2015, I have been riding on life’s horseback like an amateur, just grabbing tightly enough not to fall off.

I do not want to sound negative or depressive but it is my heart typing through my fingers today and I want it to flow out so that I have some new room for thoughts to be launched in the next three days. With sleepless nights for more than a year, a push that needed to kick me out of bed, my best friend who is my mother having a stroke and the eventful phase of the ‘no stable career’ mode has given me a run for peace of mind.

The transfer to a new country from India to ‘reset’ my life, friends distancing merely thinking that being in USA is rolling in a bed of velvety rose petals, waiting patiently and non patiently to hear for a job interview with not a single turn-up and then eventually wanting to have a company with a dog with no adoption procedure clearing through has been pretty much the sadder highlights. Instead, I ended up having 6 foster dogs with the 7th rescue dog who was comforting me with her head on my lap, all of whom I gave a piece of my heart and then wept like a mother who gives away her daughter in marriage, when these babies got adopted. I am sure I am going to pour out all the water my tear ducts can support when Cupcake/CC/Cici gets adopted too.

It is not that I am not happy for them. Of course I am. But like I said, I am the mother giving away her child and getting all emotionally unstable and a helpless husband comforting me with much planned ahead lunch or dinner date.

However, I am glad that I could in the least, foster rescue dogs and give some love and get greater in return from them in this year. And while I have had periodic doubts being a good human mother, I realized my confidence that I can be a much better ‘dog mom’. I turned Vegan this year and started off with my  vegan food fascination through  “My Vegan Diary” and stood up for this one very thing that I feel so strongly now, in spite of all the interview sessions that I had to answer at all food invites and even one rare positive nod made a lot of difference to me.

My swim in the uncertainties of the ‘2016’s survival’ has made in flow in the direction of many currents, focused and unfocused and made me rant my heart, mind and soul to my roommate~ my lucky husband. I  will certainly thank my stars for choosing him as my partner but he definitely has the capacity for my outbursts and yet keep me and him, sane. ♥

With the last very few days remaining, I really hope that 2016 tries to bring no more adverse world changing events for any of us. We’ve really had enough. And to be a little self-centered, I would want to give 2017 a heads up, that I am really anticipating you to be little nicer to me and have some mercy, if not on me but on the man who bears the brunt of my crazy stars.

To all of my blogging friends who might read this post, please allow me to thank you from every corner of my author’s heart for appreciating my blogs and for the exciting count of followers of ‘mindeology’ because trust me, it does make a lot of difference when an unknown friend spares some time reading your heart and mind. 🙂

I am positive to bring in some new & happier events in the coming transitional days. Until then, stay safe, stay sane and sail on. 🙂

Thank You for the Featured Image

I wish I could ‘Re-Feel’

memories
Pic Courtesy : indiacurrents.com

Today I was just wondering as I was sitting by myself, as to how incompetent we are to feel,exactly the way we felt on some of the most precious moments of our life, or say re-feel those moments of euphoria.

Like for example, the day I topped in school or successfully graduated with my degree in design, I remember that I was extremely happy. Happy for myself and extremely overjoyed to see the pride that my parents were experiencing then. But why can’t I re-feel those exact feelings today. Such ‘first time’ or only ‘one-time’ events are special to all of us, then why is it so that we can feel them only once and for the rest, all that we are capable of doing in the future is to smile about it, or feel touched and shed a couple of tears and remind ourselves about how life moves on and in some cases even refuel us with motivation to continue doing better in our upcoming life events.

Why is it that after we grow up and move ahead in life, things relating to our childhood memories, be it the innumerable acts of a parent’s love and kindness, the touch of our granny’s soft hands, the little joys that we had been experiencing,now ages ago, seem to bring tears of nostalgia and a realization that we have traveled so far  with love and also from love.

The elation of a first kiss, that seventh heaven feeling of knowing that yes,” this is my soul mate” can never be felt again in exactly the same way how we felt it the very first time. The excitement and the looking forwardness to a happy marriage ceremony, like the ones we have been reading all through the school days in colorful fairy tales, all fade away so silently that we hardly come to know when it sneaked out under our nose. And once it does, we try remembering hard, to feel exactly how it did feel for the very first time and no matter what, that feeling of happiness or ecstasy never hits back again.

I have tried imagining a lot of such incidents, many a times recollecting every scene like a perfect memory but somehow I miss to re-feel those incidents like when they happened in real. All that I am left with is feeling comparatively merrier and a smile that runs across my face.

On the contrary, to incidents that were really upsetting or mournful, recollecting them has rarely been a great deal. Not only do I get connected to it faster but also affected rather re-affected much sooner than I can imagine. I can cry, at times with tears or at times even without them, but I can almost relive those moments. The put me low, reverse my morale down and leaves me incapable of  any productive outcome. But physical pains, like an injury, a deep cut or a bad wound that would have put me through a toll of a time are also not remembered any more, apart from the memory that the experience was very painful, just as mere acknowledgment so as to say.

So what is it actually, which is why we are not able or incapable to revisit and re-feel the happy memories and the first time experiences exactly the same way when they actually occurred? Physical pain feelings are forgotten apart from the token of acknowledgement that we are left behind with. Well that in a way it is a bliss or else we would have been in a state of partial or total trauma for sure. But what about the distress, doleful and grieving moments? Are we more connected to them than the happy ones? Do they occur more than the happy ones? Are we more susceptible to sorrow and discontent that we can so easily relate to them?

Or may be it is because we or our brain-zone were manufactured in a way that we always remain open to merriment and jubilation such that there would be a continuity of events, of fill and re-fill and no re-feel, allowing us to venture, explore and accept the other ‘first times’ but even here, just for once. That’s just like having only one cheat day in a regime of a strictly controlled diet.

Re-visiting emotional pains and traumas are easier than the happy ones to make us aware of where our weaknesses resides, to empathize another distressed soul, to spot the potholes so that we watch out where we are walking, to know who means to us more; the ones who brings smiles to us or the ones responsible for the tears and likewise how we ultimately choose to retain choose to contently let go.

After all, end of the day, when we hit our pillows or see the horizon for just that one last time all we would want is a heart of sunny memories instead of the tears of a morbid heart.

As I Remember You Again Today…

I Owe My Existence To You.

If I am the way the world sees me today is because of the person you wanted me to be seen as. I remember each time in my rough days, how you taught me while driving me to my accountancy classes that no matter what happens I should always learn to be independent. Independent of thoughts, of will, of physical and financial dependence so that I can keep my head raised at all times.

“So what if you are a girl? That should never be a hindrance to you becoming what you should become.” So loud and deep were these words that they have brought me where I am, who I am and still continue to stir me even till date.

You taught me never to compromise on my dreams and desires warning that they could lead to mismanaged days of frustration and in all these years of growing up I have realized every bit you mentioned. I miss calling ‘Papa’, that smile of yours, that hug of warmth, driving me to school or taking me to the market in your scooter, your love for Chinese food, hiding away my breakfast  if I ever had a poached egg on the plate, saving me from the trauma during exams at school, your ‘hello’ over our phone calls while I was in college, the well concealed fear of your college attending daughter having a boyfriend, the smirk you used to give when I scolded you as if you were my kid and so many tiny little things that I have gathered, bit by bit, in my 30 years.

Each and every day till now from the time you left, there hasn’t been a single day I haven’t missed your presence.So much has changed since you have been gone in this way. I keep wondering how you might have felt seeing me working, being an independent woman, getting married to a wonderful man whom I believe your loving spirit had chosen for me. How nice it would have been to see you along with mother, as I have grown over these years trying to become someone that you both wished for me.

May be I dint have the chance to cry over your absence since the day you left as you left Ma for me. I hope you know that now she means the world to me because I relate to the pain of the absence of a companion, the pain that love brings in, hand-in-hand. She now is not only my mother but like my own child and I forget to cry when I see her dealing with the unspoken pain for you and trust me our society makes it even worse for a woman.

Its 4th July, a day that your family can never forget. Your teachings leave me perplexed as to whether I should grieve on this day or continue it like a normal one knowing that you must be closely watching me from somewhere and I should keep the spirit of life alive.

I hope that as you transformed into a soul you could peep in my heart and see that as your daughter, I could never have asked for a father more fantastic as you. I feel humbly proud when people tell me of my resemblances with you.And Let me tell you that I will ensure that you keep smiling at me from wherever you are and as whoever you reborn as, make you proud whenever I can, value all that you taught me, be the daughter you wanted me to be like and take care of your wife not like my mother but like my own child.

I will be strong, I will be self sufficient and independent and will continue to grow be a ‘true woman’. Promise me that you will not forget coming in my dreams where I could see and hear you because looking at old photographs just scares the hell out of me as it makes me realize you more like a memory that are of my irrecoverable distant days.

I have and will keep loving you forever Papa not just today or on Father’s Day, Birthday or your Anniversary but till the day I become old and my memories leave me desolated.